Predators in 12-Step Meetings
The last place that anyone wants to face predatory behavior is in a 12-Step program. For those who are working hard on their sobriety, meetings should be a safe place to go. But not everyone has good intentions, which is why it’s important to be able to spot predatory behavior when you are at your […]
The last place that anyone wants to face predatory behavior is in a 12-Step program. For those who are working hard on their sobriety, meetings should be a safe place to go. But not everyone has good intentions, which is why it’s important to be able to spot predatory behavior when you are at your most vulnerable. Your sobriety is your journey. It’s not for anyone else to judge, control, manipulate, or meddle with. You’re allowed to say no to a new relationship or deny anyone who is looking for one, with no explanation required.
Predatory Behaviors In Meetings
Predatory behaviors in 12-Step meetings happen most often between a veteran member of the program and someone who is coming in as a new member. Many people who engage in a 12-Step program for the first time are harboring feelings of low self-esteem, shame, anxiety, depression, or trauma from past abuse that make them vulnerable to predators. Unfortunately, predators tend to target those who genuinely need a safe space.Sometimes called “13th-Step predators” or similar, these predators will offer help, shelter, sponsorship, or other favors in exchange for a romantic or sexual relationship, taking the culture of meetings from safe to toxic. Those who are new to the 12-Step program may feel trapped or like they need to accept any offers of kindness, even if they find out later that the kindness has a price. This is never okay — this is predatory behavior. Other predatory behavior can be openly aggressive or even violent. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) offers a guide to appropriate and inappropriate behaviors at meetings. Behaviors to avoid include:- Promises of shelter, sponsorship, money, food, or other kindnesses in exchange for a romantic or sexual relationship. This includes offering sympathy and “understanding” in hopes of leading to a romantic or sexual relationship.
- Imposed or constant flattery, often immediately followed by imposed judgment or negative opinions
- Constant encroachment of physical space, especially after a verbal request to maintain space
- Constant talk of a sexual nature when it is not warranted or brought up organically
- Asking for personal information that is not warranted
- Racial intolerance
- Stalking
- Intimidation
- Threats or bullying
- Pressuring other members to agree with certain points of view
- Inappropriate outbursts
- Declarations of love/ownership that are not reciprocated
Why Do They Do It?
There is no clear motive for why people choose to prey on others at AA meetings. According to the Office of Sex Offender Sentencing, Monitoring, Apprehending, Registering & Tracking (SMART), there is no clear reason why anyone engages in sexual or otherwise predatory behavior. However, there are a combination of internal and external conditions that make sex offending more likely.- Negative experiences with caregivers stemming from poor attachment issues and physical, sexual, or emotional abuse can contribute to sexual offending behaviors. Many behaviors, like sexual abuse, are learned behaviors.
- Many offenders have a cognitive distortion that allows them to believe the learned behavior is okay. This can include the delusion that the victim “likes it” or “will be fine,” which is not true. Predatory behavior is traumatic and detrimental to a person’s health and safety.
- Some offenders (primarily men) who display these behaviors may show hostility or hatred toward women. This is often reinforced by violent or abusive pornography and the fear of sexual rejection. Men who hold a negative perception of women may have numerous casual relationships and act more on aggressive feelings than on feelings of empathy or connections.
- Many offenders have issues with self-regulation, impulsivity, and emotional control.
